“I find vanity engraven in capital letters, on myself and every thing around me; and, while encompassed with mercies, and so thoroughly satisfied with my outward condition, that I could hardly wish a single circumstance altered, I feel emptiness, and groan being burdened.
If you think, by my writing in this strain, that I am very spiritual, you will be greatly mistaken. But I can say, I wish to be so.
My preaching seems, in some respects, contrary to my experience. The two points on which I most largely insist, are, the glories of the Redeemer, and the happiness of a life of communion with God.
I can often find something to say on these subjects in the pulpit; but, at some other times, my thoughts of Jesus are so low, disjointed, and interrupted, that it seems as if I knew nothing of Him but by the hearing of the ear.
And answerable to this, is the sensible communion I have with Him. Alas! how faint, how infrequent! I approach the throne of grace, encumbered with a thousand distractions of thought, each of which seems to engage more of my attention than the business I have in hand.
To complete the riddle, I would add, that, notwithstanding all these complaints, which seem great enough to forbid my hope, to plunge me in despair, I have peace at bottom.
I see, I know, I cannot deny, that he is all-sufficient; can, and does pity and help me, unworthy as I am; and though I seldom enjoy a glimpse of sunshine, yet I am not wholly in the dark.
My heart is vile, and even my prayers are sin; I wish I could mourn more, but the Lord forbid I should sorrow as those that have no hope. He is able to save to the uttermost.
His blood speaks louder than all my evils. My soul is very sick, but my Physician is infallible. He never turns out any as incurable, of whom he has once taken the charge.
That would be equally to the dishonour of His skill and His compassion. Had he been willing I should perish, He would not have wrought a miracle (for I account it no less) to save me from sinking into the great deep, when He first put it in my heart to cry to Him for mercy.
And, oh, what astonishing goodness has followed me from that day to this! Help me to praise Him; and may He help you to proclaim the glory of His salvation, and to rejoice in it yourself.”
–John Newton, The Works of John Newton, Volume 6 (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth, 1820/1988), 6: 179-180.
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